Raising Men

Appeared in the Idaho State Journal on October 24, 2021.

At dinner this week, I asked our teen boys what I should write about. The 13 year old said, “You could write about my focus issues.” I let him know that since we are all still trying to figure out all of the things entailed in his focus issues, the topic would be a great column (or 12) at a later date.  But with that blessing to write about them, I figured it was a sign to dive into a topic that I have had brewing for eight years—ever since a conversation with a friend.

This friend has all sons. At that time, they were between ten and 18. I can’t recall exactly what we were discussing, perhaps something to do with scrubbing toilets or fixing meals, when she said, “I’m not raising little boys, you know. I’m raising men.”

My wife and I were newly dating at that time and her guys were adorable little boys that I was just getting to know. I was hoping for some years of ninja turtles, Legos, bedtime stories and shoulder rides.  I wasn’t ready to think of them as men, but thanks to those words in passing, that shift of raising little boys to raising men has always been in my mind.

When think about what I can contribute on their trek toward manhood, another conversation with a different friend has fed some of my actions. It really does take a village. That friend had separated from her husband. She had a core group of gal-pals to lean on during that period, but he didn’t.

She noted that she felt empowered to reach out to friends, but he didn’t. “Manly” men weren’t encouraged to seek counseling or lean on friends and say, “Hey, I could really use a cup of coffee and a talk” let alone do the opening up and talking part.  Meeting up at a bar under the guise of watching a game and having a couple o’ beers was acceptable, but for men, a more tender talk in a quiet, intimate environment simply for the sake of talking was taboo. 

These two tidbits from two different friends shaped one of the things I strive for in my contribution to raising our guys: establishing ways they can connect with someone or seek help during life’s struggles.

I try my darndest to display how I reach out to friends, check in with my therapist, or go for a bike ride when something’s troubling me,  but I know in my heart of hearts that my modeling may be no match to the pressures of this world. So, I have worked with their parents to ensure they are exposed to a wealth of activities.

Generally speaking, and this is very generally speaking, when do men get together and talk? When there’s an activity to focus on. Shooting pool, bowling, golfing, mountain biking, hunting, fishing, motorcycle riding, skiing, snowboarding, working out, playing music and golfing are the wholesome activities that come to mind when I think about the men in my life.  (We’ll stay away from gambling and drinking for now.)

Considering this, we’ve taught our boys to play pool at ISU’s student union building. We’ve signed them up through the Kids Bowl Free summer program to help them feel confident walking into a bowling alley. They know Reed Gym. The older son has had piano and golf lessons, and he regularly skis and mountain bikes. The younger son has had guitar lessons and likes running , fishing and snowboarding. They’ve been exposed to everything on that list except hunting. Although we did get a couple of BB guns the other day. (Their dad’s got a motorcycle, much to their mom’s chagrin.)

I recognize that not every family has the financial means, time or energy to expose their kids to every single one of these activities, but in the step-parent role, sometimes I try too hard. Just a few of these options would probably be fine, but I really want these guys to have an assortment of avenues available to them for future friendships and connection.    

Both boys like playing Minecraft and other video games with their friends. And while we wince at the amount of time they spend in front of a screen, we realized that they’re talking with friends about things other than just the games while they play. I’m not a video game fan, and it’s not an activity I would necessarily choose, but I love how they creatively connect with friends over the internet.

In recent years, while they are hunkered in the basement in the dark glow of their games, their voices travel through the vents. Their cackles with voice-cracks have become deep, boisterous laughter. It’s clear that we are no longer raising little boys, but we are raising men. 

The little boys and their dog 6 years ago