A Coming Out Weekend for Mormons and Gays

First published in the Idaho State Journal online forum on October 9, 2014.

With the week we’ve had, I suppose I should be discussing the 9^th Circuit Court of Appeals lifting the ban on same sex marriage in Idaho and the lightening quick response of Governor Otter. It goes without saying—but I’m going to say it—I can’t wait for marriage equality to swaddle the state and provide the safety and security that a marriage does. I’m nervous, though, that when the ban crumbles, my girlfriend will start drumming her fingers and glaring over her glasses with, “Well?”

Don’t wait for me, Idaho. I’m not ready for marriage, but so many others are. Let us have the tax benefits, powers of attorney and recognition of our own unique families. And cake. For goodness sake, bring on the wedding cakes!

I’m not delving into a marriage piece this week because the coincidence of the October 10 “Meet the Mormons” release and the October 11 National Coming Out Day (NCOD) is too remarkable to ignore. I’m a mild conspiracy theorist, so I wonder if this is a coincidence.

NCOD was founded in 1988 on the one year anniversary of the National March on Washington for Lesbian and Gay Rights. The effort merged with the Human Rights Campaign in 1990, and I’ve watched its evolution from scant articles in the occasional gay magazine during my 20s to today where it’s splashed all over social media.

Speaking of social media, between the Mormons movie and NCOD, my weekly newsfeed provided a sweet and ironic blend of my Mormon friends who can’t wait for their stories to be shared and LGBT folks feeling the same. The collective “Here we are! Let’s celebrate us!” was astounding.

It would appear from my Mormon friends’ recent profile pictures and declarations that there’s been an effort associated the latest conference to come out and declare “I am a Mormon.”  I imagine that the encouragement was along the same lines as the words on the Human Rights Campaign website advocating LGBT people come out.  

“When people know someone who is LGBTQ, they are far more likely to support equality under the law. Beyond that, our stories can be powerful to each other. Every person who speaks up changes more hearts and minds, and creates new advocates for equality.”  Be a good example and proud of who you are, and acceptance will follow. Simple.

Critics of “Meet the Mormons” cite the lack of the church’s history of racism and sexism and call it a “90 Minute Commercial for Mormonism.”  I’m sure. When I broach the topic of me and my pursuit for equality, I lead with my own “Meet the Mormons” style of sharing life, love and core beliefs. Despite the heartwarming accounts in the movie or my personal portrayals, the LDS church and I are no different in possessing some good, bad and ugly.  You’ll see what you look for and it’s all there.

I feel the same about NCOD. It’s got good, bad and ugly. Living in a closet with any kind of secret is hard on the heart, and thinking “strength in numbers”, the movement is a great idea. Coming out is initiating a conversation or a series of difficult ones ,and after the courage to come out with anything, an entirely different set of tools is needed  to know how and when to keep the conversation going or let it go.

If someone is pushed or jumps out before they are ready, the effects can be devastating. Look at the Mormons. Before going on missions, they are trained and prepared to face any number of challenges one might when talking about their faith. They are armed with the knowledge and talking points of their teachings and encouraged to find courage.

I am stunned when those in the LGBT community attempt to push others out of the closet, promote coming out without adequate support, or express many opinions at all about someone else’s choice in the matter. Both youth and adults may be in situations where doing so isn’t safe emotionally, spiritually or physically. The path to coming out is personal and private. I’ve walked a mile in my own gay shoes and not anyone else’s.

My favorite image from the week was a Human Rights Campaign ad for NCOD featuring Tyler Glenn of the pop group Neon Trees: “I am a happy and healthy Mormon gay pop star. I don’t know what it all means, but I’m ok with it.”  I’m ok with it, too, Tyler, and wow. You’ve done a lot of coming out.

We’ve all got closets to break through and conversations to have. Embracing a little empathy makes that easier for everyone. And in my experience, so does cake.  Empathy and cake make my world go ‘round.